Vignette One
An interview with one of Australia’s leading protectors of its citizenry, Mr. Backo Burqu
Interviewer: Mr Backo Burqu, we understand that President Trump is planning to come and visit Australia at the invitation of Prime Minister Mr AllBeeneasy.
Mr. Burqu: Not over my dead body he will! I have said over and over again, “If you are coming to Australia to spread a message of hate and division, we don’t want you here”.
Interviewer: Are you saying you will stop Mr Trump from coming?
Mr. Burqu: Let me quote you Trump’s most recent comment on 18th August:: “We will only see the return of the hostages when Hamas is confronted and destroyed. The sooner the better…” . That’s a statement of hate that will cause dissension – especially in my electorate!
Interviewer: But isn’t Hamas a terrorist group that your own Prime Minister declared must be removed from leadership of Gaza?
Mr. Burqu: I am a strong proponent of the law. Innocent until proven guilty.
Interviewer: But on October 7th didn’t Hamas murder, rape, behead, torture and…
Burqua: Won’t stand up in a court of law. No witnesses. All dead.
Interviewer: So, who will you allow into Australia?
Mr. Burqu: Those poor Hamas members that Israel is depriving of their basic human rights to defend themselves.
Interviewer: Thank you, Mr. Backo Burq. I feel safe with someone like you standing guard over Australia and ensuring our immigration and visitation policy is upheld so purely.
VIGNETTE 2:
An interview with a leading Great Australian Jewish Leader (GAJL) after Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu described the Australian Prime Minister as weak.
Interviewer: . Mr Great Australian Jewish Leader, how do you feel about our Prime Minister.
Mr GAJL: Not a bad bloke. Gets it wrong sometimes. But makes a good coffee and enjoys a shrimp on the barbie like we all do from time to time. Bit of a leftie but we all have our faults.
Interviewer: And what about Mr. Netanyahu.
Mr GAJL: What a ‘chutspaniek’! Imagine the Israeli Prime Minister mixing into my fiefdom here in Australia. Let him stick to his own country. What’s it Israel’s business if Jews are suffering in Australia. Let them keep their noses out of our affairs.
Interviewer: But wasn’t he defending Jews in Australia by having the courage to attack the obvious weakness of the Australian government in not clamping down on antisemitism?
Mr. GAJL.: Hah! Israelis are a bunch of unsophisticated yobos. Like Bibi. How dare they try to protect us all the way over here. Who do they think they are? We can look after ourselves as everyone can see. Anyway, we have it all under control.
Interviewer: Do I understand you are saying you don’t want the Israeli Prime Minister to defend you from the antisemitism here on your doorstep?
Mr. GAJL: I just told you. We have it all under control. And here he comes in like a bull in a China shop. And just as we were about to stop antisemitism dead in its tracks. We have great relations with the Australian government, and it listens to whatever we say. Now look what he has gone and done. Mr. Allbeeneasy has cancelled his lunch with us.
Interviewer: But are you saying that Bibi Netanyahu is to blame for inflaming antisemitism in Australia?
Mr. GAJL: Well, at least we come out looking as great statesmen by equally criticising our own Israeli PM Bibi very publicly and equating him with Allbeeneasy. And it gets us off the hook. After all it’s not our fault we haven’t been able to quell antisemitism – it’s now Bibi’s fault.
Interviewer: Thank you, GAJL. I am sure all Jews in Australia feel very confident having you guys at the helm of Australian Jewish leadership.
Vignette Three:
An Interview with Ms Penny Farthing who together Britain’s P.M. Appel Sturmer, and Canada’s Marquet Karnt-He, and Frances HeMan-Yuhl Makeroney have become known as the four losers.
Interviewer: Ms Farthing, what is your Middle East strategy?
PF: Nothing less than a stepping stone to my future leadership of the United Nations.
Interviewer: What about the intractable problems that present themselves in Gaza at the moment?
PF: No problems. They’ll sort themselves out. The Gazans will enjoy Sudan. Trump will build his Riviera of the Middle East. And I have all these trips overseas in the meantime to become chummy with my future cohorts at the UN.
Interviewer: You mean your talk about recognising Palestine is all bluff?
PF: Of course! Can’t you see that? It’s obvious. You don’t really believe that there will be a Palestine, do you? But in the meantime, let me make all the right connections. Being a very Foreign Minister doesn’t have tenure. Gotta look after my future.
Interviewer: Is there is a place for ethics and morality in world affairs?
PF Grow up, boy! It’s all about saying the right thing at the right time to the right people and still stay left. That’s the deft art of being a very foreign minister.
Interviewer: Thank you, Ms Farthing. It’s rare to have someone display such brutal honesty. Australia is lucky to have someone like you mispresenting us.